The Identity of Love and Happiness
Where
do we learn our identity? What makes us who
we are? What makes us value our
abilities? These questions, if answered
honestly, are the basis for finding out who we are
capable of becoming.
Psychology
has long debated the question of Nature vs. Nurture. Certainly we inherit, through our genetics,
certain predispositions for a particular type of behaviour, but it is the
experiences that we have that shape that predisposition into something truly of
our own making. We can take the hand of
cards we are dealt at birth and create an identity that is truly our own.
This
said, we may or we may not like what we see at the present moment. It takes a great deal of strength to look at
that face in the mirror, i.e. the choices we make, the way we interact with
others, and decide whether we wish to keep those traits or to change them. This is usually dependent upon whether or not
we are happy with our lives.
Our
own happiness is often based upon whether we get what we want out of life. If our basic needs are being met, we feel
loved and valued, and we have the toys we like, we are usually
happy.
Sometimes
whether we are happy or not is based upon the feedback that we get from
others. If the messages others give us
are positive, we are happy. If we get
negative feedback, fraught with insults or bad talk, we aren’t very likely to
be happy. There are few who can look
negative remarks in the face and still tell the Self that “I am okay.”
Few of us
go through life receiving positive feedback from others all the time, but when
our lives, particularly during childhood, are filled with negative comparisons,
they hurt to the depth of our souls. It
is then that we begin searching for the causes of these negatives and attempt to
balance them out through our behaviour.
The resilient soul will strive to make the most of his or her
ability. Others, with lesser will, may
indulge in self-destructive behaviour, such as alcoholism, drug abuse, or
self-defeating habits in interactions with others.
When an
individual’s self-esteem is so low, because the opinions foisted on one from
people we have bonded with are overwhelmingly negative, any indication from
another person that we might be okay is often taken as foolhardy. That is, when someone tells us that we are a
good person, we reject it and, sadly, the person who says such things. We can’t love others because we don’t truly
love ourselves. In fact, we may not have
an understanding of what it is to love the Self.
To love oneself, one must be able to like oneself—the choices we
make, the way we treat others, the things we like to do, the people we allow to
be close to us. If we are constantly
finding fault with everything, it is not likely that we like ourselves. We may feel powerless to change things to our
liking and it is certain that we are not happy.
We may have a mindset of fear. We
may adopt the position that all of the good things that come into our lives are
surely not going to last for long. We
may imagine that others in our lives are putting a negative spin on the things
that we do. The encouragement that we
receive is a punishment. We may not
understand why we feel the way we do, but we are determined that we are
unlovable, and this being so, anyone who loves us must be bad.
Where do
we begin to make the changes that will allow ourselves to be happy? The best place to start is to evaluate the
characteristics of someone we admire.
Writing down the good things we see in someone else and setting those
behaviours as goals we want for ourselves can put us one step further along the
road to happiness. The important thing
is not that we copy the person’s clothing choices, makeup, hairstyle or outward
appearances; rather the essence of the behaviour that we find makes us like
such a person. Perhaps the individual is
friendly and outgoing. Perhaps the
person has a quick wit or says only nice things about others. Perhaps the person is highly motivated and
works hard or is loyal to friends and family.
Whatever makes us think highly of this person is worthy of our
aspirations.
This is
not to say that we should follow the lead of someone who would compare us
negatively to someone else. Some of us
can relate to this situation if we had a parent who was always asking, “Why
can’t you be more like so-and-so?”
Rather, the intention here is to emulate someone who is truly worth the
effort. It may be a character from a
book or movie, a teacher, someone else’s parent, or a scout leader whom we
admire. But even in these instances, it
is important that we recognize that everyone is human and prone to error. If we project particular characteristics on
another and they are not truly there, we are likely to wish to knock this
person off the pedestal upon which we have placed him or her. And this can be devastating to our
self-esteem. We may feel tricked,
humiliated or betrayed. In truth, we
have done this to ourselves by placing expectations on an individual beyond the
reality of their behaviour.
This is
often the case when we begin a new love relationship. We develop expectations of an individual and
project our ideals onto that person because we are attracted to him or
her. Sometimes, the person will play
along with us in creating a facade. In
general vernacular, this would be the feeling that we are being led on. When the person in question gets tired of
playing the role of Mr. or Ms. Perfect, and the true personality comes
glittering through the mist, we are filled with annoyance at the very least and
revulsion at most. We may believe that
we have been played for a fool. But we
have to accept that we have had a role in this problem. We saw what we wanted to see,
often what we hoped was the case.
So where
is the balance in these circumstances?
Does an individual truly change so much?
Or is it our daydream about the person that only has a
certain longevity before we, ourselves, tire of the game? In reality, we align our suppositions about
an individual along the lines of how we expect a person with X characteristics
to respond in a given circumstance. Over
time, the person reacts as they normally would, because they are not actually
the person we suppose them to be. Given
a series of these misalignments, we become disillusioned with the person
and the relationship is soured from our perspective.
So what
has all of this to do with our own identities?
The trial and error that we experience in our everyday relationships
gives us food for thought as to who we want to be, the image that we want to
project. Perhaps you have heard the
expression, “If you want to have a friend, be one.” What this basically means, is that one should
be the ideal of what one holds in mind as a friend. We can’t expect to have a lot of friends if
we are constantly talking behind someone’s back, taking and not giving, being
unwilling to be available, or responding to the problems of others in a cold
and callous manner.
The bond
of friendship requires that we care about others. If we are only concerned about our own lives,
we cannot possibly hope to be, or have, friends. This doesn’t mean that we can’t have a
complaint now and then, but to always monopolize interactions with the things
that irritate us or what we want in any given circumstance,
goes beyond friendship. Friendship, as
in all things, requires balance. If we
find that others are listening for a few moments, then show signs of being
bored, either the person is somewhat self-centered, or we are monopolizing his
or her attention. Or perhaps the person
has an urgent problem that is causing a distraction. A true friend will be able to analyze which
is the case and respond appropriately.
What
then, beyond friendship, forms the basis for our identity? What about our manner of work? Sometimes we feel that without work our lives
are meaningless. This is often the
feeling when someone who has a strong work ethic suddenly becomes handicapped
or is laid off from a job. The person is
so attached to the role of his or her job that they their entire being is gone
when they no longer have a job to attend.
But think about the things that you do outside of your job. You go bowling, have pets, love your family,
write poetry, attend church and so on. All of these things go together to create the
person who you are. All of these things
form your identity. Perhaps you are
better at some of these things than at others, but no one is perfectly balanced
or the epitome of perfection in all areas of their lives. Some of us may be good at one thing, others
at several, but to be certain, no one is good at everything. Choose to appreciate the things that you do
well, and if you feel it necessary, to work at the things that are limitations
in your life.
The
single most important thing to hold in your arsenal of beliefs about who you
are is that you are a valuable child of the Universe. Once you truly know this in your heart, no
one can take that away from you. When
you realize you are just as deserving of happiness, love and respect as
everyone else, you will feel more valued and you will value the things that you
allow in your life. You will realize
that the negatives have no right in your life.
You no longer have to tolerate negative comparisons, insults, and
especially not threats of any kind.
Be aware
that you can still make adjustments to your image if certain behaviours are not
working for you. As you step forward as
a worthy individual, you no longer find it necessary to put others in their
place, cut them out of your life if they are not perfect or feel the need to be
on the defensive. If others do not
reflect what you believe about yourself, you have the choice to set them
straight or adjust your behaviour if their estimation is true. You no longer have to run from situations
that make you accountable for your actions, because your actions are honest and
forthright. You no longer have to be in
control of any given situation—others can have their turn as well. And others can be who they are in return. You develop more respect for yourself and
your behaviour reflects respect of others.
Imagine the
person that you want to be, but realize that the Universe created you in
perfection. Love yourself so that you
can, in turn, love others.
May you
be richly blessed!